Is this cancer a punishment???

I know it ha been a long time since I have written in this blog. I had my third chemo session and it was the worst of all of them. Put me in bed for almost a week!!! WTF I was miserable for very long. My whole body as weak, I had the worst nausea ever, and the depression was the worst part. f someone asked me how I was doing, I started to cry.. no control of it... just open the tear gates and they just flowed out.. I tried stopping them, believe me, but no luck.. once the gates where open they stayed open for a long, long time!!!
A PET scan was done after the second chemo and there are no changes to the tumors. So, its good and bad.. It has not spread anywhere else (good news).. Not shrinking(bad news).
Your mind can then be your worst enemy in these cases. That depression kicks in and you think of everything and anything... Don't worry.. I am not suicidal (at least not yet!).. but you start thinking and wonder it this cancer is just a punishment for all the bad that you have done in your life. I have not been a saint in this life, believe me, but who has????... I have done some bad things in my 40 something years...but I think I have done some good ones too..
I will say if there is a hell it is those 5 days after chemo... and still I know that I have more chemo to go... Another chemo on July 7th followed by 5 days of hell and then another PET scan. After that more chemo until its time.. time to be healed and go back to my routine, my job, my life... or time to go and see my mom which I miss so very much.
You also think about church... I feel I should go to church but then I feel like a hypocrite because I have not been in church in ages.... So why am I going now???? Very confused in this subject!
I do want to thank all the people that have come and help one way or another. Some people have brought some food over (I really appreciate it!!!), all the letters and cards I have received I have them all saved, so thank you.. It always brings a smile to my face! I aways say.. In times like this you know who your friends really are.