Back to normal... but for how long?

Yes, I am back to work! I decided to go back to work because I feel i am wasting my time at home. I feel I am just staying there waiting to die and I cant do it anymore. I am back at the agency I used to work at, however, I came back with a different position. I am the Section 8 supervisor in St. Charles County. When I started at this agency 4 years ago, I started as a housing counselor so it was nice to come back and do it again. There is a lot of work to do, so I stay busy all day. The doctor considers me to be in stable condition (whatever that means!) and I still have to do the chemo every 3 weeks. I will be here as long as I can, however long I have, a year, 5 or ten... I just need to feel that I am doing something. I am tired of watching TV and sleeping all day. My feet are not swollen anymore but they do hurt. I guess its because I have not put shoes on in forever. I think I went up a whole shoe size!!!
Next chemo on Dec. 3rd. Will keep you all posted! Mood: Surviving

Regrets

It has been a month and a half since the last time I wrote something in my blog. I am getting really lazy and enjoying it. I had a toxic reaction to the chemo that was given to me, so my feet were swollen for about 2 months. It was really bad but they are back to normal now. They gave me steroids twice a day until they went down. Now, my feet feel and look like I am 100 years old! They discontinued one of the chemo medicines and just had chemo last Thursday and to my amazement, I feel good for the first time in a long time. So, hopefully this chemo will work and my feet will stay normal.
I have been having, however, lots of regrets lately... Mainly, I regret quitting my job! I loved what I did at the agency and I miss every minute of it. I still go an volunteer my time once in a while but honestly, it is a little weird being there and not being in control like before. A lot of people tell me to just enjoy my time off but I have been working since I am 15 so, it is a little hard to get used to not doing anything. I am enjoying Oprah's last season and the Ellen Degeneres show!!! I also enrolled in a Quilting class, still at school once a week, cake classes, and helping out at Tony school! So, as you can see, I am bored! In a little I will need a vacation of being on vacation!

I have a serial number!!!

It has been a looong time since writing in this blog. I have been sooo depressed lately but a lot of things have happened. I had a port put in for the chemo. It was one of those outpatient mini surgeries. They do a small insicion above your right breast to insert the round object. Another small insicion in your neck next to your main artery or vein (not sure!). It looks like the picture in the side of this blog. So, when I go for chemo treatments they can go to that one spot and save my veins from my hands and arms. I will continue with chemo every 3 weeks for the rest of time or until i dont want to do it anymore, or my body is not able to tolerate it. It is sooo weird because you can see it through my skin and if you touch it you can actually feel the tube and all. It also comes with a serial number!!! Just in case I get lost, I guess! lol
I just did a CTscan today. I have been having some excrusiating pain in my stomach, i think they are ulcers but who knows! Hopefully is not the cancer that has spread. We will know tomorrow.
Tony, my 5 year old, started Kindergarden!!! And my other son which is 17, started his senior year in high school! Not sure how that happened but whatever! So, for Tony in Kindergarden every time the kids do something wrong they make them pull a stick from a basket, after 3 sticks in a day they send them to the principal's office. In the first 15 days of school, Tony pulled sticks on 10 days!!! WTF ....
So, things are not going so hot! So, I emaile dthe teacher to introduce myself and let her know that now that I have nothing to do all day, I would love to volunteer my time and help out, be a parent helper, or whatever they call it these days, I also explained my condition to her about the cancer and all that. Her response to me was, and I quote, "that explains his behavior"!!!!!????? WTF ????? He is 5 !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Is he the only one pulling sticks from the darn basket????? And dont get me wrong, I know shit like this happens, I took several phychology classes in college, but come on.. seriously!!!???
I am also having serious issues regarding my family! I wonder what would have happened if it was teh other way around?? What if one of my brothers or sisters were diagnosed with cancer?? How would I have reacted??? Would I just do the same and never call, or visit, or give a shit????? Dont they realize that i could be gone tomorrow???? I just hope that if/when I die, they are not hipocrits that cry a river and scream out loud... Why??? WHY??? WHy????
ok.. now I am beaing a little dramatic! lol
But, as all of you may know by now, you know who your true friends are when something like this happens. And I am so glad I know who my true family and friends are!!!
One more thing... my support group leader told us that if we wanted to buy something, just go for it.. just forget about the needs and wants and just go for it... what ever makes me happy... So I did! I went an bought a kobo ereader from Borders! I really wanted it that day, I really did... However, 10 days later, I still have not used it... Taking it back tomorrow.. never listening to my support group leader again!

Where is the family????

After a week or so of chemo, I am back to myself. This time was not as hard as the last time. I have another PET scan to do on 7/19/2010 and the next chemo is scheduled for 7/29/2010. From now on it is maintanance for the rest of the time until I am gone from this world, or until my body can't take it anymore, or until I dont want to do it anymore. Sometimes I wonder if I should even keep on doing this chemo thing. If I have a year or two to live like the doctors say, why waist it being so miserable all the time??? From the month I only get a week or a week and a half of enjoying life. The rest of the time, I am either in chemo or recoperating from the chemo!
I also want to thank my amazing co workers, friends and neighbors for all they have done while I am undergoing chemo. They have paid my bills, gave me cash, gas cards, groceries, cooked dinner for my entire family and much more. And I am still wondering where my family is?????
Let's take my dad for example: I was in intensive care for almost 4 days back in March when they found out I had cancer, he did not visit the hospital. The excuse was that " you know he hates hospitals". WTF !!!! I hate them too!!!! And still there I was! After that and had a meeting at my house to explain to all the family what was going on and what was going to be happening to me and he came to that. After that my brother had a graduation party for my niece and I saw him there. I have not seen him since. I know I am not his favorite, but come on, give me a break! These are the times I want to scream: WTF.. WTF...WTF...
But people say it all the time, who needs family when you have such great friends!

Terminal Cancer!!!

I had my 4th chemo this morning. I know I will be feeling bad starting tomorrow, so I decided to write today. Went to the doctor also this morning before chemo and she was very informative, so we asked lots of questions. I have another pet scan on July 19 and then we start with the maintanance part of this cancer thing. the doctor informed me that what I have is terminal cancer. That was shocking!!! I had checked online and kind of knew this in the back of my mind but when you hear this from a doctor it just shocks the crap out of you!!! Then you come home and you ask yourself all the questions.. Why me??? Is this a punishment???

To have terminal lung cancer means that the cancer will not go into long-term remission - remission is when the cancer "goes to sleep." It will continue to grow and reside within the host's body until it eventually takes their life. There are things that can be done to extend my life, but unfortunately, terminal cancer of any kind means that it will end in death.

According to the Centers for Disease Control, more people die from lung cancer each year than any other cancer including breast cancer, prostate cancer and colon cancer combined!!! the problem with lung cancer is that the majority of the people diagnosed with this do not know they have lung cancer until is too late or by chance.

Myself for example, I have never smoked in my life!!! Besides being a little overweight (...ok... a lot!!!) I was healthy compared to other people and much younger than others. I had the swine flu in October 2009 and drove myself to the emergency room where they did an X-ray of the chest. This is when my regular doctor noticed there was something there that should not be there. So, I am thankful for the swine flu, because at least I know there is something wrong with me... Other people wont know until is too late.

But then, I ask myself... did I want to really know I had cancer??? Would it have been better if I did not know and waited until it was too late??? Damn questions keep on coming to my head!!!!

Is this cancer a punishment???

I know it ha been a long time since I have written in this blog. I had my third chemo session and it was the worst of all of them. Put me in bed for almost a week!!! WTF I was miserable for very long. My whole body as weak, I had the worst nausea ever, and the depression was the worst part. f someone asked me how I was doing, I started to cry.. no control of it... just open the tear gates and they just flowed out.. I tried stopping them, believe me, but no luck.. once the gates where open they stayed open for a long, long time!!!
A PET scan was done after the second chemo and there are no changes to the tumors. So, its good and bad.. It has not spread anywhere else (good news).. Not shrinking(bad news).
Your mind can then be your worst enemy in these cases. That depression kicks in and you think of everything and anything... Don't worry.. I am not suicidal (at least not yet!).. but you start thinking and wonder it this cancer is just a punishment for all the bad that you have done in your life. I have not been a saint in this life, believe me, but who has????... I have done some bad things in my 40 something years...but I think I have done some good ones too..
I will say if there is a hell it is those 5 days after chemo... and still I know that I have more chemo to go... Another chemo on July 7th followed by 5 days of hell and then another PET scan. After that more chemo until its time.. time to be healed and go back to my routine, my job, my life... or time to go and see my mom which I miss so very much.
You also think about church... I feel I should go to church but then I feel like a hypocrite because I have not been in church in ages.... So why am I going now???? Very confused in this subject!
I do want to thank all the people that have come and help one way or another. Some people have brought some food over (I really appreciate it!!!), all the letters and cards I have received I have them all saved, so thank you.. It always brings a smile to my face! I aways say.. In times like this you know who your friends really are.

My Hair is Almost Gone!

Last night I cut my hair! Actually my husband did. I decided I wanted to be the one that decidedwhen and how I would loose my hair. So, I devided my hair in 4 bundles and made braids out of them (Snoop Dog style!). Hubby came after that and cut the 4 big braids off. After that we got the machine out and with clipper number 2, he chopped it off! I feel I have lost 3 pounds of hair in 5 minutes!!!
No crying, no thinking it twice, no regrets... Just do it! I feel much better.. A lot of white hair under all of it!!! WTF !!!!
Next chemo teraphy next Tuesday. Tony's graduation from Pre-K last night. And after that he helped cut my hair. Nomar's graduation will be on the 30th of this month. His dad is coming from Puerto Rico for some much needed quality tme!
I have a lot of extra time now, some times I get bored but am enjoying this ME time!

Chemo has Started....Now what???

I started chemo yesterday and I am feeling a little shaky and like I am losing my voice. I also have a headache and was not able to sleep all night. I decided to take my FMLA time starting on Monday. So I will be out of work for some time.. Time to cut expenses!!!
I am feeling really depressed about all this.. I can't stop asking myself..Why me??? I know I have to stop this but its easier said than done..
I feel I am losing control of my life and I do not enjoy it. While saying bye to people at work I was almost feeling I was not coming back... So weird...
But id the doctors are rigt, and I only have a year or 2 to live, I dont want to spend it at the agency. I love what I do, dont take me wrong and I have work hard to get to the position I have right now, but I prefer to spend the last days of my life at home with my family. Call me crazy!!!
It is hare for me to feel compasionate about other people that come into the agency asking for help, when here I am fighting for my life. Stage IV lung cancer!!! Can you believe this shit!!!!
I feel like screaming out loud: WTF ... WTF...WTF...

Angry at...

Someone asked me last week if I was angry... I responded with a "hell yeah!!!!". Now thinking back I ask myself why am I angry???
Growing up while in high school I used to get angry when a pimple surfaced on my face.. What the heck!!!! Same day I had a date or a party, always at important moments at high school.. Hey, I still get them at 43, and still get mad.. I thought these would go away after you get old???? Not me.. Not my pimples!!!! Yeap...Still show up once in a while!!!
I used to get angry when a car cut in front of me without a signal and yet it still happens... or when someone "steals" my parking at the mall.. I don't even own the damn spot!!!
I get mad at the kids when they get bad grades, not because they are dumb but because they don't give the extra effort... then I realized that not all of us can be a "genius" like I am (lol)....
Now, I get angry when I see people smoking... Look at me... Never smoked in my life and here I am with lung cancer! Now I wished I had smoked some pot or something back in the days... Maybe I wont feel so sorry for myself! But why I feel angry towards people that smoke?? Maybe because I blame them for my condition???... maybe because I ask myself why me and not them??? After all, they are the smokers!!!
Then something clicks in your brain and you realize that this could really happen to anybody... Like a pimple, a car cutting in front of you, or not-so-genius kids.. lung cancer can happen to anyone...

Does cancer hurt????

The C word... This is hard..Your mind starts playing games on you. Some people ask if I am in pain..Yes, I tell them..What do you think I just had surgery. I have 3 incisions on the side of my body and I had a tube coming out with fluids going into a box! What do you think?
But does cancer hurt? You bet. It hurts in ways that are not physical anymore...
That first diagnosis is like a knife into your heart, a slap in the face.... That first diagnosis? That's a punch to your stomach. Waiting for the results of a scan? Waiting for the doctor to call? Waiting for some lab test, patologist and the list goes on...??? It hurts in the middle of the night, when you're alone with your thoughts and your tears, and you have to deal with the idea that maybe, just maybe,you wont see your kids get married, have children, be happy! It hurts when something simple reminds you that you may not be around in a year..two years. It hurts when you think about the things you're going to miss.
But that's not the worst of it. Cancer affects everyone around you...You see it in the tears of a friend when you tell them. You see it in the eyes of your doctor who knows that in a few seconds, he has to give you bad news. You see it in the eyes of your loved ones, friends and family, who want so much to help, but can't.. What can they do? So to answer the question that I have been asked for several days now, "does cancer hurt?" Well, I haven't felt a thing — except for when it hurts so badly you can hardly stand it.
So now... what do you think????

Let's Get Ready to Rumble.....

Today was my appointment with the oncologist. Unfortunately, the news are not good. The cancerous tumors in my lung are in stage IV. The doctors are not able to explain why or how is it that I have this. The prognostic is not good. I asked the doctor to be straight forward with us and I am grateful for her honesty. I will start chemotheraphy pretty soon but will continue with my life as it is until I can't do it anymore. The doctor gave me a year to live... maybe more. I will go on vacation with my family at the end of April and will enjoy my life with my family and friends as much as I can. Will keep you all posted and let's pray for a miracle!

The beginning

So, tomorrow it will be a week since they did a biopsy in my lungs to find out what the heck are those nodules in my left lung. This is after several CTscans and even a PET scan. Everything came out negative until now. Last Thursday 3/18/2010 was the day that my life (I know) changed forever. And to think that everything started with the swine flu back in October! We are still waiting for more information in what stage the cancer is and where did this cancer started at. The word cancer is scary enough and now the waiting is killing me!!! I just want to know...