I started chemo yesterday and I am feeling a little shaky and like I am losing my voice. I also have a headache and was not able to sleep all night. I decided to take my FMLA time starting on Monday. So I will be out of work for some time.. Time to cut expenses!!!
I am feeling really depressed about all this.. I can't stop asking myself..Why me??? I know I have to stop this but its easier said than done..
I feel I am losing control of my life and I do not enjoy it. While saying bye to people at work I was almost feeling I was not coming back... So weird...
But id the doctors are rigt, and I only have a year or 2 to live, I dont want to spend it at the agency. I love what I do, dont take me wrong and I have work hard to get to the position I have right now, but I prefer to spend the last days of my life at home with my family. Call me crazy!!!
It is hare for me to feel compasionate about other people that come into the agency asking for help, when here I am fighting for my life. Stage IV lung cancer!!! Can you believe this shit!!!!
I feel like screaming out loud: WTF ... WTF...WTF...
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Today is my 4th day after chemo started. I feel weak, tired and the nauseas are driving me crazy. I feel I have no control of my life or myself. I made the decision of going on FMLA starting next Monday. My last day at work was officially last Thursday. It was so surreal!!! I have worked so hard in that position. I have the highest position you can get in the agency in this county. So, saying goodbye to the agency for who knows how long and to the people there, was very hard. Deep down inside me, I have no idea if I am coming back or not.
ReplyDeleteI also made the desicion of applying for disability benefits. It takes a mandatory waiting period of 5 months, so I wont see a check until Nov or Dec. But just in case I do need it, it will be in the process. The lady that interviewed me said that my condition is a mandatory approval because "it is a condition that will terminate in death". Great!
Yesterday I had a very good day with my daughter. She took me to lunch and we had a great talk. We cried and talked and cried some more and felt very connected. I love my kids. I am so proud of all of them. I will miss them so much!
Lance Armstrong said, “If children have the ability to ignore all odds and percentages, then maybe we can all learn from them. When you think about it, what other choice is there but to hope? We have two options, medically and emotionally: give up or fight like hell.” Lance Armstrong obviously didn’t give up. He fought with vigor and unstoppable belief in his recovery.
ReplyDeleteI found this quote on a website and thought of you!
Cake & icing,
Michelle
MOM, MOM, MOM, MOM, MOMMY, MOMMY, MOMMY, MOMMY,MOMMY, MOMMMA, MOMMA, MOMMA, MOMMMA, MOMMAA.
ReplyDeleteWHAT????????????
hi =)
http://www.thedoctorwhocurescancer.com/?hop=largo
ReplyDeleteHave you heard of this book Lisa??
just wanted you to know I am thinking about you! I made a basketball cake today, the 3D mold. I am available to take you to your treatment next week, if you need someone.
Love,
Michelle